On losing weight...

May 10, 2014.  I am tired of being fat.  Of feeling ugly.  Of WISHING I could buy cute clothes.  When I was in high school I always felt plain and chubby and boring.  I was very shy and didn't realize that boys that age needed a little pursuing...so when none of them pursued me that just reinforced my poor self image.  When I went to college the first boy I met I fell in love with.  We were together for almost 3 years and I was GRATEFUL that he liked me.  When we broke up I was thin and pretty...but I had no idea.  It was only years later when I looked at pictures at the person I was then that I realized this fact.  It has been 25 years since those pictures were taken.  I am older now.  Much heavier.  Both in body weight and in spirit.  I have been married 25 years and 10 years into my marriage my husband was diagnosed as bipolar.  He is the Bipolar 1 type...not the fun kind that is cool at parties...but the sad and scary type that either sleeps all day or thinks they are part of an international espionage group.  At the same time our wonderful son was born...with several heart defects that required several surgeries starting at age 8 weeks and currently--at the age of 16--is diagnosed with heart failure.  So my husband closed down his business and after trying unsuccessfully at working for other people finally decided to try to get disability.  Which he was approved to receive.  I work full time--yay!--and he takes care of the house and makes sure our son gets to and from school safely and on time.

So after 15 years of stress eating my body is RUINED!  My knees hurt, my feet hurt, I hate how I look and how I feel.  I feel so out of control of my life...my son's health...my husband's health...our finances.  But this problem at least I can claim.  I did this to me...and I am going to fix it.  I have a cousin who is fixing her weight problem.  She is gorgeous.  Always has been.  But she gained weight.  Maybe it was due to having 3 little boys.  Or worry about her Mom.  Who knows why we do the stupid things we do.  But she has a handle on her weight.  She shared some fun pictures on FB the other day and one of the comments was "You're Melting Kristi".  And it's true.  She looks thinner--a lot!  But more than that she looks happier.  And just healthier.  And I want to 'melt' too.  Maybe some of the inner heaviness will go away with the outer heaviness.  At least I hope so.  I want to be thinner.  And happier.