A Perfect Baby Boy: Part 1

We were married 10 years before we had our son. At least twice in those 10 years we had a miscarriage...perhaps more that slipped by as simply a late period. We don't know why, we were somewhat casual towards the whole having a child option...if it happened then it happened, if not then we'd be one of those dashing childless couples who could do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted to.

Of course by year 10 we came to realize we weren't the "dashing couple" type. We didn't have money to run off to ski resorts or take cruises, we lost friends along the way as they dropped out to have their families and we realized we were somewhat drifting aimlessly. When the little pee stick turned pink the third time I was in denial. Twice before I had turned the stupid stick pink, and twice before the little child-to-be wasn't. And don't let anybody tell you different, the child you don't have HURTS!!! You have days, weeks, months to adjust your mind to having a child. You spend time envisioning yourselves BEING PARENTS, Christmas mornings, Easter Egg Hunts, family vacations, all that entails having a child. And when that child doesn't come to pass you mourn that life you dreamed about. And it's hard!! So the third time around I was weary of this game, I didn't want to play "what-if". I resisted even going to the doctor and getting it verified that we were once again pregnant. But finally forced by my husband off we went. And I was AMAZED! And THRILLED! Because THIS doctor didn't see any reason why this child to be wouldn't be. He had me start a daily chewable aspirin regimen, prescribed pre-natal vitamins, let me listen to the baby's heartbeat and voila! We were on the parent-to-be merry-go-round once again. And this time when we got off we had the brass ring--we had a BABY!!!!

On losing weight...

May 10, 2014.  I am tired of being fat.  Of feeling ugly.  Of WISHING I could buy cute clothes.  When I was in high school I always felt plain and chubby and boring.  I was very shy and didn't realize that boys that age needed a little pursuing...so when none of them pursued me that just reinforced my poor self image.  When I went to college the first boy I met I fell in love with.  We were together for almost 3 years and I was GRATEFUL that he liked me.  When we broke up I was thin and pretty...but I had no idea.  It was only years later when I looked at pictures at the person I was then that I realized this fact.  It has been 25 years since those pictures were taken.  I am older now.  Much heavier.  Both in body weight and in spirit.  I have been married 25 years and 10 years into my marriage my husband was diagnosed as bipolar.  He is the Bipolar 1 type...not the fun kind that is cool at parties...but the sad and scary type that either sleeps all day or thinks they are part of an international espionage group.  At the same time our wonderful son was born...with several heart defects that required several surgeries starting at age 8 weeks and currently--at the age of 16--is diagnosed with heart failure.  So my husband closed down his business and after trying unsuccessfully at working for other people finally decided to try to get disability.  Which he was approved to receive.  I work full time--yay!--and he takes care of the house and makes sure our son gets to and from school safely and on time.

So after 15 years of stress eating my body is RUINED!  My knees hurt, my feet hurt, I hate how I look and how I feel.  I feel so out of control of my life...my son's health...my husband's health...our finances.  But this problem at least I can claim.  I did this to me...and I am going to fix it.  I have a cousin who is fixing her weight problem.  She is gorgeous.  Always has been.  But she gained weight.  Maybe it was due to having 3 little boys.  Or worry about her Mom.  Who knows why we do the stupid things we do.  But she has a handle on her weight.  She shared some fun pictures on FB the other day and one of the comments was "You're Melting Kristi".  And it's true.  She looks thinner--a lot!  But more than that she looks happier.  And just healthier.  And I want to 'melt' too.  Maybe some of the inner heaviness will go away with the outer heaviness.  At least I hope so.  I want to be thinner.  And happier.